A T.V. TRAGEDY OR HOW GENERAL MCCRYSTAL LOST HIS TAIL
Pundit One (Fill in your choice) Pundit Two (Fill in your choice)
Pundit Three (Fill in your choice) David Gergen (He’s always there)
Geraldo Rivera, Moderator Nine Judges
T.V. Commercials Choir of Congressmen and women
At Geraldo’s TV show, Pundit One (Fill in your choice), David Gergen (he’s always there), Pundit Three (Fill in your choice) are debating
Geraldo (on tv). Now Pundit One (Fill in your choice), don’t you agree that Pundit Two (Fill in your choice) has a point: Congress is correct in legislating that no one should think politically incorrect thoughts.
Pundit Three (Fill in your choice): I, full of chutzpah and self-admiration, vehemently, emphatically, forcefully, categorically and definitively agree…to a point.
Pundit Two (Fill in your choice): Now we must think about this. Let us ponder the fringes on my jacket. I wear it because I am cool. Because I am so cool, I don’t even wear underwear. Now that’s cool. And you too can be this cool if you buy the new video “How You Can Be As Cool As Gerry Spence For $59.95”
Pundit One (Fill in your choice: Gerry Spence is the coolest, all right; he’s been dead for a few years.
Pundit Three (Fill in your choice): Prejudice! Racism! Oppression! Lawsuit! Is there a lawyer in the house?
David Gergen. I know everything and have an opinion on everything. Just go ahead and ask me. Jesse Ventura will never be elected Governor. Al Gore will be our next President. Perez Hilton is not gay.
Geraldo. Sorry guys I have to take a commercial break.
Commercial. Are you suffering the agonies of hemorrhoids, lack of protection for underarm perspiration and need new toothpaste? Preparation Cresure Z has it all for you. A great smile, anal relief and sure dryness—all in one!!!
Viewer: Man, these commercials are really becoming integrated.
Second Viewer: You mean like the TV show?
Viewer: No, like Internet Explorer in Windows
Second Viewer: Wait. Geraldo is back… There are some politicians on the steps of the Capitol.
Choir of Congressmen and women. Tutti Frutti, WAAAAH, Tutti Frutti!
We, distinguished Gentlemen and Gentlewomen,
Must pass another law,
to give reason to our existence
And make laws for other people
So that they will have to obey
And keep us employed to overturn
The previous laws that we legislated
yesterday. So we will legislate a statute
guaranteed to keep as many lawyers
employed because it will make no sense
Judges. The court orders the decaudization of General McCrystal "to take place between the hours of sunrise and sunset, forthwith":
Lawyer (You fill in the blank. My choice: Alan Dershowitz): I maintain that all light proceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore could only mean that there should be no executions during eclipses, a period when the whole human race ought to be occupied in adoration of me. Forthwith, moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forthwith meant immediately; and "between sunrise and sunset" meant between sunrise and sunset; which might de immediately, or might not.
Nine Judges. We decide, firstly, that forthwith did not mean forthwith, secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith; thirdly, that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was illegal to apply one of those legal meanings to a wrong legal purpose; fifthly, that the objections was to no avail, as respected the case of No.1, sea-water color. Ordered, therefore, that General McCrystal lose his tail forthwith.
By Ol' Homeless with a Laptop, That is my Name
Any resemblance to the work of an ancient Greek playwright is not merely coincidental; it is intentional.