All Watched Over by Machines of Loving Grace
I like to think (and
the sooner the better!)
of a cybernetic meadow
where mammals and computers
live together in mutually
programming harmony
like pure water
touching clear sky.
I like to think
(right now, please!)
of a cybernetic forest
filled with pines and electronics
where deer stroll peacefully
past computers
as if they were flowers
with spinning blossoms.
I like to think
(it has to be!)
of a cybernetic ecology
where we are free of our labors
and joined back to nature,
returned to our mammal
brothers and sisters,
and all watched over
by machines of loving grace.
By Richard Brautigan
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
THE PUNDITS
A T.V. TRAGEDY OR HOW GENERAL MCCRYSTAL LOST HIS TAIL
Pundit One (Fill in your choice) Pundit Two (Fill in your choice)
Pundit Three (Fill in your choice) David Gergen (He’s always there)
Geraldo Rivera, Moderator Nine Judges
T.V. Commercials Choir of Congressmen and women
Viewers
At Geraldo’s TV show, Pundit One (Fill in your choice), David Gergen (he’s always there), Pundit Three (Fill in your choice) are debating
Geraldo (on tv). Now Pundit One (Fill in your choice), don’t you agree that Pundit Two (Fill in your choice) has a point: Congress is correct in legislating that no one should think politically incorrect thoughts.
Pundit Three (Fill in your choice): I, full of chutzpah and self-admiration, vehemently, emphatically, forcefully, categorically and definitively agree…to a point.
Pundit Two (Fill in your choice): Now we must think about this. Let us ponder the fringes on my jacket. I wear it because I am cool. Because I am so cool, I don’t even wear underwear. Now that’s cool. And you too can be this cool if you buy the new video “How You Can Be As Cool As Gerry Spence For $59.95”
Pundit One (Fill in your choice: Gerry Spence is the coolest, all right; he’s been dead for a few years.
Pundit Three (Fill in your choice): Prejudice! Racism! Oppression! Lawsuit! Is there a lawyer in the house?
David Gergen. I know everything and have an opinion on everything. Just go ahead and ask me. Jesse Ventura will never be elected Governor. Al Gore will be our next President. Perez Hilton is not gay.
Geraldo. Sorry guys I have to take a commercial break.
Commercial. Are you suffering the agonies of hemorrhoids, lack of protection for underarm perspiration and need new toothpaste? Preparation Cresure Z has it all for you. A great smile, anal relief and sure dryness—all in one!!!
Viewer: Man, these commercials are really becoming integrated.
Second Viewer: You mean like the TV show?
Viewer: No, like Internet Explorer in Windows
Second Viewer: Wait. Geraldo is back… There are some politicians on the steps of the Capitol.
Choir of Congressmen and women. Tutti Frutti, WAAAAH, Tutti Frutti!
We, distinguished Gentlemen and Gentlewomen,
Must pass another law,
to give reason to our existence
And make laws for other people
So that they will have to obey
And keep us employed to overturn
The previous laws that we legislated
yesterday. So we will legislate a statute
guaranteed to keep as many lawyers
employed because it will make no sense
to anyone.
Judges. The court orders the decaudization of General McCrystal "to take place between the hours of sunrise and sunset, forthwith":
Lawyer (You fill in the blank. My choice: Alan Dershowitz): I maintain that all light proceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore could only mean that there should be no executions during eclipses, a period when the whole human race ought to be occupied in adoration of me. Forthwith, moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forthwith meant immediately; and "between sunrise and sunset" meant between sunrise and sunset; which might de immediately, or might not.
Nine Judges. We decide, firstly, that forthwith did not mean forthwith, secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith; thirdly, that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was illegal to apply one of those legal meanings to a wrong legal purpose; fifthly, that the objections was to no avail, as respected the case of No.1, sea-water color. Ordered, therefore, that General McCrystal lose his tail forthwith.
By Ol' Homeless with a Laptop, That is my Name
Any resemblance to the work of an ancient Greek playwright is not merely coincidental; it is intentional.
Pundit One (Fill in your choice) Pundit Two (Fill in your choice)
Pundit Three (Fill in your choice) David Gergen (He’s always there)
Geraldo Rivera, Moderator Nine Judges
T.V. Commercials Choir of Congressmen and women
Viewers
At Geraldo’s TV show, Pundit One (Fill in your choice), David Gergen (he’s always there), Pundit Three (Fill in your choice) are debating
Geraldo (on tv). Now Pundit One (Fill in your choice), don’t you agree that Pundit Two (Fill in your choice) has a point: Congress is correct in legislating that no one should think politically incorrect thoughts.
Pundit Three (Fill in your choice): I, full of chutzpah and self-admiration, vehemently, emphatically, forcefully, categorically and definitively agree…to a point.
Pundit Two (Fill in your choice): Now we must think about this. Let us ponder the fringes on my jacket. I wear it because I am cool. Because I am so cool, I don’t even wear underwear. Now that’s cool. And you too can be this cool if you buy the new video “How You Can Be As Cool As Gerry Spence For $59.95”
Pundit One (Fill in your choice: Gerry Spence is the coolest, all right; he’s been dead for a few years.
Pundit Three (Fill in your choice): Prejudice! Racism! Oppression! Lawsuit! Is there a lawyer in the house?
David Gergen. I know everything and have an opinion on everything. Just go ahead and ask me. Jesse Ventura will never be elected Governor. Al Gore will be our next President. Perez Hilton is not gay.
Geraldo. Sorry guys I have to take a commercial break.
Commercial. Are you suffering the agonies of hemorrhoids, lack of protection for underarm perspiration and need new toothpaste? Preparation Cresure Z has it all for you. A great smile, anal relief and sure dryness—all in one!!!
Viewer: Man, these commercials are really becoming integrated.
Second Viewer: You mean like the TV show?
Viewer: No, like Internet Explorer in Windows
Second Viewer: Wait. Geraldo is back… There are some politicians on the steps of the Capitol.
Choir of Congressmen and women. Tutti Frutti, WAAAAH, Tutti Frutti!
We, distinguished Gentlemen and Gentlewomen,
Must pass another law,
to give reason to our existence
And make laws for other people
So that they will have to obey
And keep us employed to overturn
The previous laws that we legislated
yesterday. So we will legislate a statute
guaranteed to keep as many lawyers
employed because it will make no sense
to anyone.
Judges. The court orders the decaudization of General McCrystal "to take place between the hours of sunrise and sunset, forthwith":
Lawyer (You fill in the blank. My choice: Alan Dershowitz): I maintain that all light proceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore could only mean that there should be no executions during eclipses, a period when the whole human race ought to be occupied in adoration of me. Forthwith, moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for forthwith meant immediately; and "between sunrise and sunset" meant between sunrise and sunset; which might de immediately, or might not.
Nine Judges. We decide, firstly, that forthwith did not mean forthwith, secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith; thirdly, that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it was illegal to apply one of those legal meanings to a wrong legal purpose; fifthly, that the objections was to no avail, as respected the case of No.1, sea-water color. Ordered, therefore, that General McCrystal lose his tail forthwith.
By Ol' Homeless with a Laptop, That is my Name
Any resemblance to the work of an ancient Greek playwright is not merely coincidental; it is intentional.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Letter to Swiss Embassy in US re Roman Polanski
I wrote the following letter last night, July 12, 2010, 10:47 pm. PST, to the Swiss Embassy in Washington, DC.
Mr. Ambassador:
I'm writing to express my outrage at the Swiss government's decision to free Roman Polanski despite his conviction for child molestation and the US government's request to extradite him. The Swiss government's deplorable actions are an insult to this country and every child who has been molested. Is it now the policy of Switzerland to become a haven for degenerates wanted in other countries?
Moreover, any alleged "technical" deficiencies in the extradition request could have been remedied. As it stands now, the Swiss government has ignored the fact that "A 13-year-girl was drugged and raped by an adult -- this is not a matter of technicality."
SHAME ON SWITZERLAND!!!
Gonzalo I. Vergara, Lt. Col., USAF (Ret.).
Lincoln Hills, California
Mr. Ambassador:
I'm writing to express my outrage at the Swiss government's decision to free Roman Polanski despite his conviction for child molestation and the US government's request to extradite him. The Swiss government's deplorable actions are an insult to this country and every child who has been molested. Is it now the policy of Switzerland to become a haven for degenerates wanted in other countries?
Moreover, any alleged "technical" deficiencies in the extradition request could have been remedied. As it stands now, the Swiss government has ignored the fact that "A 13-year-girl was drugged and raped by an adult -- this is not a matter of technicality."
SHAME ON SWITZERLAND!!!
Gonzalo I. Vergara, Lt. Col., USAF (Ret.).
Lincoln Hills, California
Thursday, June 3, 2010
How to Respond to a Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Fart)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman
DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of s tolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ?: Living inthe Bah amas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Enjoyed and posted by Homeless with a Laptop, That is my Name
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Fart)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman
DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of s tolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ?: Living inthe Bah amas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Enjoyed and posted by Homeless with a Laptop, That is my Name
Sunday, May 23, 2010
A Tale of Ten Books
Ten Opening Sentences in Ten Different Books: An Exercise in ... Possibilities
These do not include prefaces or acknowledgements--those speak for themselves...
None of the books in my father’s dusty old bookcase were forbidden. In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless wasteland, and darkness covered the abyss, while a mighty wind swept over the waters. The continuity of the classical tradition has been, until the 20 th century, one of the most striking aspects of Western art. Darius and Parysatis had two sons. Alexey Fyodorovitch Karamazov was the third son of Fyodor Pavlovitch Karamazov, a landowner well known in our district in his own day, and still remembered among us owing to his gloomy and tragic death, with happened thirteen years ago, and which I shall describe in its proper place. Law is one of the learned professions. On October 5, 1941, I received a message from General Headquarters: “Stalin wants to speak with Front Commander over direct line.” The Carolina coast was below me; white and gleaming in the afternoon sun. The Catholic Church has always claimed Jesus of Nazareth as its founder, and nearly everyone is familiar with the basic facts about this dynamic Jewish preacher and healer who was born around the turn of the first century A.D. (probably between 6 B.C. and A.D. 6) and was crucified by the Romans between A.D. 28 and 30. The discussion of the subject at hand would gain in clarity if I could ask the members of my invisible audience whether they can remember themselves far enough back in their childhood, when they were not able to count, that is when they could not recite the series of words one, two, three, four, and so on.
By: Homeless with a Laptop, that is my Name
These do not include prefaces or acknowledgements--those speak for themselves...
None of the books in my father’s dusty old bookcase were forbidden. In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless wasteland, and darkness covered the abyss, while a mighty wind swept over the waters. The continuity of the classical tradition has been, until the 20 th century, one of the most striking aspects of Western art. Darius and Parysatis had two sons. Alexey Fyodorovitch Karamazov was the third son of Fyodor Pavlovitch Karamazov, a landowner well known in our district in his own day, and still remembered among us owing to his gloomy and tragic death, with happened thirteen years ago, and which I shall describe in its proper place. Law is one of the learned professions. On October 5, 1941, I received a message from General Headquarters: “Stalin wants to speak with Front Commander over direct line.” The Carolina coast was below me; white and gleaming in the afternoon sun. The Catholic Church has always claimed Jesus of Nazareth as its founder, and nearly everyone is familiar with the basic facts about this dynamic Jewish preacher and healer who was born around the turn of the first century A.D. (probably between 6 B.C. and A.D. 6) and was crucified by the Romans between A.D. 28 and 30. The discussion of the subject at hand would gain in clarity if I could ask the members of my invisible audience whether they can remember themselves far enough back in their childhood, when they were not able to count, that is when they could not recite the series of words one, two, three, four, and so on.
By: Homeless with a Laptop, that is my Name
Sunday, May 9, 2010
El Español Es Espíritu, El Ingles Es Material
English is matter, just matter—
Something that floats—
Invisible or visible, a tool—
Necessity of flesh and business,
A thought of clean tongues,
white language,
Teutonic speech.
Spanish is breath
and blood,
the face becoming the thought,
calling forth the hands
in particular tones.
It is a pilgrimage
Through all Latin countries
where lisps are beloved,
s’s, disavowed,
r’s, chameleons,
and everyone knows
how to roar.
In Spanish, kiss me
is one word. Sí
has a sea of meanings,
and you can feel heat
beating from the
o in sol.
And no one loves
Cars and houses—
only people,
their land and their God.
Composed by Federico Anaya Sánchez. Copied, posted and loved by Homeless with a Laptop, That is my Name
Something that floats—
Invisible or visible, a tool—
Necessity of flesh and business,
A thought of clean tongues,
white language,
Teutonic speech.
Spanish is breath
and blood,
the face becoming the thought,
calling forth the hands
in particular tones.
It is a pilgrimage
Through all Latin countries
where lisps are beloved,
s’s, disavowed,
r’s, chameleons,
and everyone knows
how to roar.
In Spanish, kiss me
is one word. Sí
has a sea of meanings,
and you can feel heat
beating from the
o in sol.
And no one loves
Cars and houses—
only people,
their land and their God.
Composed by Federico Anaya Sánchez. Copied, posted and loved by Homeless with a Laptop, That is my Name
Sunday, May 2, 2010
My Life as a Debt Consultant
As all stories start: There I was, on a Monday morning, at our corporate offices in the basement of the Rickards building, sitting at my desk, speaking on the telephone, when my partner, Bill, rushes in, bellowing:
“Gonzo, you’re about to get a parking ticket. Move your car”
“What do you mean? It says I have an hour parking; and my name is Gonzalo”
“Today is Monday and parking is restricted in the morning for street cleaning.”
I dropped the telephone and a possible client, and I rushed out of our corporate offices in order to avoid an $18 parking ticket. Just in time. The unsympathetic motorized parking control officer had already written a parking ticket to the silver Chevy Caprice and I was next. I rushed to the car in the nick of time and managed to move to another place. I walked back to the office.
“Thanks Bill, you saved me.”
“No problem. Let’s have a cigarette.”
We go outside and our sanitation engineer, Shorty the wino, rushes up.
“Permission to address you sir.”
Shorty has delusions that he was in the Marine Corps; too much cheap vodka. That or he’s trying to garner sympathy. Every now and then he tells us that his name is Larry King.
“Request granted. Go ahead.”
“I don’t want to appear like a bum but could you guys spare me $3.60?”
“What do you want to do with it, Shorty?”
“Well, I ain’t going to lie about it. I’m going to get a bottle of vodka for me and the missus.”
“I’ll tell you what. Here is $5.00 but you have to sweep the corporate pathway for us.”
“Bless you. I will sweep it all up. MARINE CORPS… HOOH AHH.”
Puff, puff, puff… planning… puff, puff, puff… clients… puff, puff, puff
Bill: "But Dan is the one that grabbed me and I have not been goofing off…"
Bill, first turn on the power to the computer before you begin to work…
Bill’s idea of business: “Oh come on, we can’t charge this poor lady…”
“I want $100, Bill”
Later that afternoon, here we are, on Aisle 5 of the Office Depot…
“Bill we ain’t going in your trashy car”
“What’s wrong with my car?”
“It looks like someone dropped an atomic bomb inside of it; it’s nuked!”
Back at the office, as he stood up to greet our client, my partner’s pants fell down…
Our first client lost the winning ticket to a $25 million California Lottery. He told us the whole sad story. He bought the ticket at a small Mom and Pop store. Later when he saw that he had won, he went in to cash the ticket. They took the ticket from him but gave him a photocopy of it. Later, no one knew anything about the ticket. The California Lottery Commission attempted to have our client indicted for fraud. Luckily the client ran away …
“Gonzo, you’re about to get a parking ticket. Move your car”
“What do you mean? It says I have an hour parking; and my name is Gonzalo”
“Today is Monday and parking is restricted in the morning for street cleaning.”
I dropped the telephone and a possible client, and I rushed out of our corporate offices in order to avoid an $18 parking ticket. Just in time. The unsympathetic motorized parking control officer had already written a parking ticket to the silver Chevy Caprice and I was next. I rushed to the car in the nick of time and managed to move to another place. I walked back to the office.
“Thanks Bill, you saved me.”
“No problem. Let’s have a cigarette.”
We go outside and our sanitation engineer, Shorty the wino, rushes up.
“Permission to address you sir.”
Shorty has delusions that he was in the Marine Corps; too much cheap vodka. That or he’s trying to garner sympathy. Every now and then he tells us that his name is Larry King.
“Request granted. Go ahead.”
“I don’t want to appear like a bum but could you guys spare me $3.60?”
“What do you want to do with it, Shorty?”
“Well, I ain’t going to lie about it. I’m going to get a bottle of vodka for me and the missus.”
“I’ll tell you what. Here is $5.00 but you have to sweep the corporate pathway for us.”
“Bless you. I will sweep it all up. MARINE CORPS… HOOH AHH.”
Puff, puff, puff… planning… puff, puff, puff… clients… puff, puff, puff
Bill: "But Dan is the one that grabbed me and I have not been goofing off…"
Bill, first turn on the power to the computer before you begin to work…
Bill’s idea of business: “Oh come on, we can’t charge this poor lady…”
“I want $100, Bill”
Later that afternoon, here we are, on Aisle 5 of the Office Depot…
“Bill we ain’t going in your trashy car”
“What’s wrong with my car?”
“It looks like someone dropped an atomic bomb inside of it; it’s nuked!”
Back at the office, as he stood up to greet our client, my partner’s pants fell down…
Our first client lost the winning ticket to a $25 million California Lottery. He told us the whole sad story. He bought the ticket at a small Mom and Pop store. Later when he saw that he had won, he went in to cash the ticket. They took the ticket from him but gave him a photocopy of it. Later, no one knew anything about the ticket. The California Lottery Commission attempted to have our client indicted for fraud. Luckily the client ran away …
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